There is a process that narcissists use to hook you into their fantasy world. It’s known as the narcissists cycle of abuse, and it begins with: Love Bombing.  Maybe you’ve heard of the honeymoon phase of dating. It’s that blissful, carefree period in a relationship when you are getting to know each other. Everything about your new partner is charming and endearing from the way they eat, to the stories they share, to the dirty laundry left on the bathroom floor. It’s all laughs, intimacy, fun dates and difficult to find any fault in your new love interest. But to the narcissist this is the GROOMING PHASE.  

They will put their best foot forward, making grand gestures like weekend trips away, shopping sprees, flowers, over the top dates.  

They are charming, generous, over the top complimentary making you feel like the most beautiful and valued person on the planet.  

They’ll put you on a pedestal and the relationship will move very fast. For you it’s so romantic. For them, they are using every opportunity to find out everything about you...what you like, dislike, your vulnerabilities, your deepest secrets, any piece of information they can utilize to mirror your thinking and behavior to endure you to them.  

You’ll think you’re falling head over heels in love with your soulmate and can’t believe how much you have in common. But this is a game to the narcissist and a fact-finding mission where they will later use all the information, they have gathered against you. 

Next comes the devaluing phase…… 

This is the most confusing of times. You will spend hours, days trying to figure out how the person who had you on a pedestal just a few weeks prior has suddenly lost all interest in you. And most likely you will blame yourself. It’s as if the person you feel so hard for has an on/off switch. Your insecurities will be triggered BIG TIME and you will cling to the memory of the LOVE BOMBING phase, desperately wanting for it to come back. You’ll believe your love can withstand all-you just need to be more patient, give more time or space, work on yourself, be less clingy, be more supportive. You will think it’s all you. If only you could have said something different, been more understanding, more compassionate. But you are wrong. You have no clue that you’ve now been infected by the narc. Many narcs are very subtle in their manipulation and psychological abuse, and you won’t clearly see that they are playing you. But here’s a short list of what it might look and feel like:  

• Gaslighting–making you doubt your reality 

• Criticism–insults, rage, physical abuse, rape 

• Silent Treatment 

• Withdrawing–withholding affection 

• Triangulation-undermining, shaming, humiliation, degrading, controlling finances, schedule, social activities 

• Playing mind games–or playing the victim 

• Smear campaigns-lying, cheating 

This phase is incredibly painful and confusing. It will not make sense and you might feel like you’re losing your mind. We often stay stuck in this phase waiting on the nice person from the beginning of your relationship to return. You’ll turn yourself inside out trying to placate, understand, feeling sorry for them and trying to please.  

Then comes the Discard Phase…… 

Maybe they have pushed too far and you’ve had enough, and you ask them to leave or leave yourself. But more likely, they will get bored and tell you that you are not the person they fell in love with. Ironically you’re not that same person because now they have completely destroyed you. They’ll leave you in the wake of destruction for their next SUPPLY that they have possibly been grooming on the side for some time. They will discard you and walk away without even a backward glance leaving you devasted and blaming yourself. Or, perhaps they leave and come to realize the new supply is on to them and not as easy a target as they thought. Then they will be back  

So starts the Hovering Phase... 

This is where you get sucked back in to the relationship with promises of change, therapy, and a better future. They are faking it all to make you feel sorry for them. You’ll go back to the love bombing phase and be showered with compliments, gifts, attention, anything to boost your self-esteem. And this cycle will repeat over and over again, until you start to recognize the patterns and behaviors and come to understand this is not about you, it’s always about them..The gut-wrenching reality is there is only one way to make it stop. And that is to find the courage and strength to permanently leave.  

Which brings us to…. 

Trauma bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in relationships were there has been a cyclical pattern of abuse. After each cycle of abuse comes positive reinforcement where the abuser expresses love, regret, and attempts to make you feel safe and needed again. It’s a bond that will leave you feeling confused, overwhelmed, attached and maybe even dependent on the abuser. At the end of the day, this is your basic human need for attachment and a means of survival. It’s incredibly difficult to break this bond until your safety, security and support are intact